quarta-feira, 28 de junho de 2017

The Depression Diaries, n°62: You were beautiful

You see, I want to give calls when I want to say I love someone without really needing to say the words, but I bleed so much. I don't feel my hands and there's just so many bright lights, all around all the time, don't you ever get so dazzled by all of it and all of it becomes none of it in a millisecond because I'm dumb, I can't reach and the darkness is so familiar. I look at you through the curtain and I think “darling darling darling”, my tongue disappears and I can't breathe (again).

The nature in me (the Hyde) wants me to be cruel when I'm in physical pain, I'm hurting and I want you to hurt too, I want to see you burn just as much as I do; you'd have pretty wings though. But I never do and never regret it, I'm that mean to myself, I'm that greedy. There's only so little I can prove it's real and the burning hand squeezing my heart it's real, darling. The vintage picture of your laugh it's still so clear yet so blurry it's almost a recording on a video tape just like the Twin Peaks one. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause I want the perfect angle, I don't want to forget (I'm lying), please let me keep this. You never laugh like that again in front of my face, I close my eyes forever and I bet you're still smiling. Hands on the floor, hands on my neck, hands on my skull, scratching my hair to make access, to make space.

Lady Destiny made me to be one to forget, little round broken machine somehow at the front of the store's display. I'm sorry about your purchase but darling, you're sorry too, I can read on the glint of your living eyes hovering above this corpse; you have so much useless hope, darling. Listen, there was a nail making their way inside my foot; blood everywhere and I said it was kinda cool. The other me(s) in other realities just cackled, chanting silly little round, silly one. The joke's on them though, the velvet thickness is my the best function. And I mean it, darling. One day you'll get to see that even I made use of it to paint my journals and bedroom walls and the parts of me I still can't bring myself to go deeper, blindfolded I'm on my way to not see more of me, only trying to see more of you. All the versions of this broken chest built skyscrapers around themselves and look, yes I am shattered, but I'm not a puzzle piece. My body may be on the ground and I can't breathe, darling; just once give me your oxygen (I want to say) why can't I be mean right now (I never do). 

In my memories there's always a bulletproof vest. I lie and I say that I'm protecting myself, however we both know I haven't shielded myself in a long time. You speak about the future and goddamn, there's this effervescent gold light crafting a crown over your head; you tell me the future because you have that power but I'm sure I'm never there, you always know I'm certain I'm not there. You're still talking and I want to touch the inside of you that have all these soft things and maybe steal it, but I can't be that selfish, not anymore, and it's pointless. A part of me rejoices because you are there, darling, I never doubted that; but who you'll have to see dying to become stronger? Is it me, is it yourself? Your arms can carry this weight of flowers that feels like the weight of iron bars? I saw myself dying two times and I still can't do it. The point is that you're better than me, darling. You can make paper birds and they'll carry you along the way, are you listening? I hope you are, I love you. Simple as that, simple and I can't feel.

The sea is catching fire and I only look at your picture in my bedroom desk. But I can't feel it, I'm sorry. You cry when you think I'm not looking, silly. My sight has never left your side, silly. I'm taking pictures so I can remember you and I are real, and because when I can finally breathe again I'm always alone, your ghost-object-permanence hand is on my hair, thank you, hurriedly you move back into the photo I took of you though. Like I said, the sea is catching fire and I'm only saving your smiling face. I'll take it to my grave, I don't like to be alone anymore and I still can hear your voice. Darling darling darling, please forget me. I'm satisfied with just the ghosts of you.